What is left of year 2020?

 The year 2020 whizzed by, disturbing habits and beliefs. It brought me comfort in isolation, and time to explore new hobbies and thoughts processes. It brought health at the forefront of our mind and changed the priority of my relationship with others.

Some strange questions came up to mind.

-Why did I not consider working from home as viable? There is reduced stress from hearing colleagues with unnerving comments or discussions.

-Why is my voice or contribution not taken into account?

-What can I do truly on my own?

-What is love? I get attracted fairly easily but won't even lift a finger to fight for it.

-Why am I not ready to show my ugly self ?

-Does accepting other people's ugly self feel burdening and stressful?

-Why does it feel like I am treated as a push over?

Mental health is claimed to be a major victim of covid19. Let's see in 2021 if it can be turned around positively. I still enjoy myself and have so many things to try yet, even if strangely my mind has started to explore uncomfortable situations and whatifs. 

I cannot know its limit until I put it to the test after all.

Looking back

It has been more than a year since I sat down and wrote something. Maybe I was out of time, or maybe I did not want to look inside myself and face the faults I have been trying to ignore.

I held a handwritten journal during what I usually think as the lowest point of my life. I have emerged from it as the voice of social norm indicated there are worse off than myself.

But since I am confined to myself, before I look forward, I have to look back a bit to learn what I should avoid. With a bit of perspective, I may find what I should run to. A sense of urgency has taken over me, as I finally understand how time is affecting me and those around me.

When I have a good time, it sure is with friends and family. We learn from each other and we plan the future together. But I sense that we could do much more. I will explore what we enjoyed doing well and what was painfully necessary but helping us grow.

When I am about to explode from frustration, I just want everything around me to dissapear in pain. Why the frustration? I was told we had different values and priorities and I could not understand that. Indeed in the past 9months I believe I forced myself to let go of people's incompetence, insensitivity inefficiency and malpractice. After all, what matters is only how I rate myself and how I can iprove.

So while my weekend routine is extended to weekdays - though including working from the kitchen - I will finally learn to prioritize myself and feelings, and finding a new dream.

'location unknown'-Honne

Something to hum about to finish the weekend