A few weeks ago, I had the impression I was attracted by H. and may have fallen for him. However as days go by, it started to irritate me the way his presence troubled me and made me say and do silly things. Little by little, I forced myself to ignore his presence, even if in the morning Is till check if he has arrived at work. A simple glance above my monitor would show his straight back.
During the day, my interaction with him would be kept at minimum, but I still crack up at his private moments, like the time he started taking a picture of himself with a cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his hand at his desk. I could not resist to offer to take the picture for him...He might send it to his ex or his girlfriend, but at least it was a fun moment.
The positive energy that I am gathering from the crush is the drive to stand out in my work and be ambitious again. He offers some very kind and encouraging words at times, such as asking me what he should vote for to have my team activity accepted and to be realized. If he was on his own I would have hugged him, but cute boss and another colleague were there as well and there were nowhere to hide.
Sometimes though I am wondering what I could offer him, to thank him for inspiring me daily. I have forgotten the feelings of caring for someone: it can be a selfish feeling to make me feel worthwhile, and a braking element to prevent any change...For now though, I am glad I can still blab silly things such as ' I don't want H. I want D' when someone said I could have H. (to get me to D.)...He was not around this time but I got a curious stare from D's dad..
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