Everyday luxuries - remember remember the 5th of November

 Remember remember the 5th of November....

I've been thinking about addiction and how it seems to be everywhere. Of course some are very visible, and some are more tolerable than others. Having lived with an alcoholic, the pain and sadness of not being able to do anything to stop it is a constant reminder of how difficult it is to tackle. Not being able to pierce that bubble of denial and exhausted by efforts to reason the person, I removed myself and detached emotionally.

History seems to repeat and I turn inward to check whether I have my own denial bubble. When procrastinating and sleeping long hours and gazing or spacing out, I deny my realities and postpone that moment to take action and be productive. That is indeed my biggest luxury I indulge in. Putting it into words help define the pains and obstacles. 

Far from any social circle, my addiction to slow living and idleness feels apart from everyone else's time and space continuum. The clocks are ticking so regularly it does not feel like time but a lulling song. The little indoor forest soaks the autumn sun and sooth me into lazy comfort, and I am grateful I can still enjoy the luxury of peace and quiet despite my deep inner stress and anxiety for the future.

 As I take stock of what's around me, I find the courage to put another foot forward, doing what comforts me and building strength to confront my angst. My addiction is spending, accumulating, traveling and food, certainly. And writing helps. I hope my loved ones find that bolting realization to burst their denial bubble, to face their pains and discomforts, and find joys in the everyday luxuries around them.

What is left of year 2020?

 The year 2020 whizzed by, disturbing habits and beliefs. It brought me comfort in isolation, and time to explore new hobbies and thoughts processes. It brought health at the forefront of our mind and changed the priority of my relationship with others.

Some strange questions came up to mind.

-Why did I not consider working from home as viable? There is reduced stress from hearing colleagues with unnerving comments or discussions.

-Why is my voice or contribution not taken into account?

-What can I do truly on my own?

-What is love? I get attracted fairly easily but won't even lift a finger to fight for it.

-Why am I not ready to show my ugly self ?

-Does accepting other people's ugly self feel burdening and stressful?

-Why does it feel like I am treated as a push over?

Mental health is claimed to be a major victim of covid19. Let's see in 2021 if it can be turned around positively. I still enjoy myself and have so many things to try yet, even if strangely my mind has started to explore uncomfortable situations and whatifs. 

I cannot know its limit until I put it to the test after all.

Looking back

It has been more than a year since I sat down and wrote something. Maybe I was out of time, or maybe I did not want to look inside myself and face the faults I have been trying to ignore.

I held a handwritten journal during what I usually think as the lowest point of my life. I have emerged from it as the voice of social norm indicated there are worse off than myself.

But since I am confined to myself, before I look forward, I have to look back a bit to learn what I should avoid. With a bit of perspective, I may find what I should run to. A sense of urgency has taken over me, as I finally understand how time is affecting me and those around me.

When I have a good time, it sure is with friends and family. We learn from each other and we plan the future together. But I sense that we could do much more. I will explore what we enjoyed doing well and what was painfully necessary but helping us grow.

When I am about to explode from frustration, I just want everything around me to dissapear in pain. Why the frustration? I was told we had different values and priorities and I could not understand that. Indeed in the past 9months I believe I forced myself to let go of people's incompetence, insensitivity inefficiency and malpractice. After all, what matters is only how I rate myself and how I can iprove.

So while my weekend routine is extended to weekdays - though including working from the kitchen - I will finally learn to prioritize myself and feelings, and finding a new dream.

'location unknown'-Honne

Something to hum about to finish the weekend

My top 5 things to do when recovering from the flu

So despite being vaccinated from a few weeks ago, I managed to get some flu variant and got stuck in bed for a few days having cold sweats and unconscious dreams. My doctor even wore a mask with panic when I showed up for a consultation. And after 3 days straight in bed, I rediscovered the strange reality around, where the following activites seem to be the best I can do while recovering.

I recommend the following to avoid staring at screens and getting more fatigue.

1-daydreaming and dozing off
After all, you are still recovering and a bit of daydreaming and jogging your brain cells to do nothing is a great rest strategy. If you have the fridge full and laundry done, there is nothing else that matters. Even if you are tempted to tidy up and sort out your wardrobe or items lying around the house, your tired body will urge you to pause.

2-taking aimless walks
This is best if you live out in the countryside, as the fresh clean air will do great for your recovery. Whether going to the post office when it is closed, or going for some groceries and forgetting what to buy due to the extreme daydreaming, this activity will make you appreciate the season and the beautiful countryside around you, lifting your spirit and reinvigorating your sore body.

3-reading books
Yes, try to avoid screens as they will tire your head much faster than a real good book. Besides, a good book will help in achieving creative daydreaming and escape the predicament you are in. I love to browse travel magazines too when I have no new books to read.

4-writing
Now this is a lost art these days: writing letters. Maybe it is the prospect of not seeing anyone for a few days, or the fact that friends and family are missed during those days stuck in bed. Writing lovely letters on pretty stationary is a timeless introspective moment. If not, reducing that pack of greeting cards or clearing the stationary box gives a refreshing feel. Alternatively you can try colouring books or painting. After all the daydreaming, you will be tempted to express yourself. So even writing poems or just whatever you think can be pretty satisfying.

5-sewing
I have a basket full of clothes to be mended and shortened so sewing in the sun is both practical and money saving task. It still allows for daydreaming and blanking out.

On an honorable mention, healthy cooking and thinking of the future can be enjoyed too but I must say they are far too tiring when under flu drugs.

There is also one thing you MUST NOT do: think about work.

My 72h in Barcelona

Day 1: Rainy evening in Ghotic quarters, strolling along the Ramblas
Day 2: Architecture day and long walks across town

Gaudi stuff: La basilica, park gruell (take 1)
Lluís Domènech i Montaner stuff :Hospital de Sant Pau,

Day 3: Whismical tour of jewel of a theatre, chocolate and the beach
Gaudi stuff: park gruell (take 2)
Lluís Domènech i Montaner stuff :Palau de la musica catalan


Food: tapas in ghotic quarters, Michelin star
Transport bus pass not valid for night buses!

Chi mi frena in tal momento, from Lucia di Lammermoor

This feeling....
A great performance that moved me to tears...emotions so raw

Chi mi frena in tal momento?...
Chi troncò dell’ire il corso?
Il suo duolo, il suo spavento
Son la prova d’un rimorso!...
Ma, qual rosa inaridita,
Ella sta fra morte e vita!...
Io son vinto... son commosso...
T’amo, ingrata, t’amo ancor! 
...

Lovely spring ballad:'Hello' from Sung SI Kyung and IU

For a mellow Sunday afternoon





It's you, it really is you
That warm gaze of yours is forever unchanging
Now do you see me? For a while, I've been looking at
the way the sunlight caresses your face

It could just be a dream, the word 'Hello' won't even form
I had so many things I wanted to say
Even in my dreams, I searched only for you
I don't want to hear that it's too late
You're avoiding my gaze
Can you see my heart?
I can't tell from your eyes
Wordlessly, I say to myself 'Hello'

I know (I know) that when it comes to the past (it was so very hard)
there are no 'maybes', but just once
had I run over to grab you (and you), had I held you just once
you may not have turned your back to me

It could just be a dream, the words 'hello' won't even form
I had so many things I wanted to say
Even in my dreams, I searched only for you
If by any chance, should your days have been troubled as well
Should you have missed me as well
You don't have to think twice
I can't lose you again because of hesitations
With a trembling voice, 'Hello'

That one day we'd surely meet again,
as long as I wished for it with all my heart
I believed in this all along. There'd be no more sadness
if we were to meet again

I'm grateful for this moment which came as a surprise
Should your lips be trembling as well
Should you feel like crying as well
Take my hand
Would it be OK if I held you once more?
Close enough to whisper, 'Hello'
Just like when we first met, 'Hello'

A new chapter, a new experience

And so my voyage to 'adulthood' continues with an impromptu assignment to Manila. You can follow my exploration of this unexpected destination here. I thank my Geneva pals for taking care of my plants and empty mini studio in the meantime. I promise to not spend everything in food and bring some souvenirs.

New pressures

Who has never dreamed of being a head of something?

I wanted to be the boss and have always felt I liked to boss people around. Be careful of what you wish for is a saying I truly understand now. With a  new assignment in the works it finally dawned on me I will be an acting global head (without the salary)  of a team I still need to get acquainted with on paper (print that departmental diagram!).

Losing sleep, I am trying to find out what in my experience of micro-managing 3-4 colleagues would help me in my new task....the other half of the brain is trying to think of ways to take holidays while in a foreign country far far away in southeast Asia.

Throwback Sunday...

This is such a nostalgic song and the cover is so powerfully sung with extreme catharsis yearn that it left me speehless. I just want to be that voice freeing myself from it all.

A new venture, a new experience

And so I finally put this idea into motion and testing this new media:
http://airayeetch.playtheradio.com/news.cfm

Right now I am fiddling with programming content, and not quite sure how it comes out. Enjoy the random music for now.

Throwback thursday: stuffed animals

It's that time of the year when the last garage sales and yard sales of the season are popping up around town. Although there should be a lot of things to let go, it can be emotionally difficult to part with some memento.

An example is a bag of stuffed animals I have been keeping, not using.

Red bear prompts memories of overnight Greyhound bus, uncomfortable Greyhound bus station chairs, and a fun trip with friends who are now all over the world.

January is a cute bear, like its current owner. How can I give her away when I received so much love?

Another personal item, reminder of an era, college friends and places, that is difficult to overlook. What should I do?

Yes it is cute, and it melts my sorrows. It also reminds me of Canada and people close to my heart.

It is a bit cheeky but it has an understated quality to it, making me smile and cringe at the same time. Why have I been keeping it? Do I need another reminder of people I love?

Orange cat unfortunately does not remind me of anything special but he is funny (yes it is male because of the big head). And because it is not associated with any memory it is refreshingly relaxing to have...

Mini panda is so soft and tiny, and my favourite animal so it feels useless to part with it. The benefits of keeping it exceeds the disturbance of keeping it as it does not take much space.

Sleepy is my natural state until 10am. And I associate it with trips to Orlando Disney World and analogue pictures.

Ironically this is the first memory of lemur I have, from seeing lemurs in a zoo in Washington DC. It reminds me that I need to seek and appreciate what I have nearby before looking at things far away.


So when deciding to part with them all, I really feel the lyrics of this song:


I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am chained
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm cold and I am shamed and bound
And broken on the floor
And I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn


I have 3 days to decide until the next yard sale...I am on an emotional roller-coaster !

A taste of...

Recently my peers and myself had to attend a team building session with human resources to try to mend things with our new boss. So all of us including our boss and his boss were subjected to an exercise that I found kind of interesting because weeks later I am still trying to make sense of it.

The premise was simple enough: we were on a balloon ride, which was unfortunately having an accident and was falling down to earth at a dangerous speed. And the supposedly only solution to slow down was to throw things overboard. On top of that we were to choose a character among a list (or off the list, which could have been more advantageous). And we had to argue to each others why oneself was needed instead of being thrown out.

So at the beginning we had  the folowing characters on board:
Roger Federer
Nelson Mandela
Marie Curie
Pere Noel (Father Christmas or Santa Claus)
Neil Armstrong
Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin
Thomas Edison

Each of us defended ourself as their character for a minute, basically emphasizing our own strength (physical strength, knowledge of air navigation, speed of movement, engineering skills) and the benefit our lives and  achievement would have on humanity if we survived.

Then each of us would vote (for someone other than ourself) for the character that we choose to stay in the balloon. It wasn't a big surprise in fact that the Count von Zeppelin had the most vote since he pioneered the rigid airship idea and claimed to know how to manage the balloon. Roger Federer and Thomas Edison had no vote and were thrown out.

However that was not the end of the exercise. A second round took place, and the remaining characters had to convince the others again why they were still needed alive. This time, some strategies and pleading came into the arguments: Von Zeppelin still knew his things and asked to be trusted, while claiming to be ready to sacrifice himself if needed. Mandela was promoting himself as a negotiator and having experience dealing with opposite characters. Curie didn't have much to say but insisted she was not too heavy. Pere Noel indicated that faith and hope was needed during these hard times. Neil Armstrong promoted his engineering skills. For the second round voting, Federer and Edison characters could also vote. And the Neil Armstrong character got the boot.

Personally, as I suspected at least a third round of voting would take place, I voted for the one I though would not get any vote, and who made a weaker argument than my character. I was tempted to make a weak argument myself but since I was first to present my argument, it would have become too memorable and too risky. So I had to reach out to the guts feelings.

The third round was even more desperate and the remaining characters resorted to pleading mostly. At some point it became difficult for me to listen to the others as I had to find my own arguments to present and convince. I tried to offer a miracle solution as I was last to present my argument.

The result of the last round turned out to be surprising: Mandela and Curie had a vote each, Von Zeppelin had a few votes, but the majority went for Pere Noel.

As the HR mediator indicated, it was a nice result before Christmas as it seems the majority still believed in Santa Claus!

For me though it was an exhilarating and somewhat revealing that the least realistic character among the bunch would get so many votes. I expected the character to be the first to be carried overboard.
-First round: "You know I can get to billions of chimneys and families in 24h every year, ending time and space dimensions.  I can get this job done."
-Second round:"in this time of panic and despair, you need to believe in miracles and what seems impossible. Put yourself together and don't loose hope. I have summoned my reindeers from the North Pole and they are on their way and will be here soon"
-Third round:" The reindeers are here. Some of us can leave the balloon without danger and go inside the carriage to be flown back to the ground. The rest of us can do the same after the first group is safe"

I picked the Pere Noel character from the list. My colleague said I sold the character very well and they could not have defended it like I did.  I enjoyed trying to grab the other's attention by appealing to their feelings. I know these arguments would have made more impact with me if I were in that situation, as logical and rational reasons were indeed reassuring, but not grabbing me by my gut feelings: engines, chemistry reaction, gravity...sure, but miracles and magic were better.

I still wonder what was the point of the exercise from HR's viewpoint. For me anyway I found out I was easily engrossed in character and totally invested emotionally.

After the exercise, one colleague confessed he just voted for me, not my character. Which made me think that many people would also vote for a candidate that not necessarily argues or present well or has a solution, but above all a candidate that they champion/support, or just a candidate that is not someone they do not like/not want to win.

So although I was happy somehow that my character was popular, it was not necessarily thanks to the arguments I presented, but my own persona. It made me doubt my own arguments. I wonder if elected candidate could experience those doubts.

Weeks later I realized I should have picked GOD from outside the list...

The marmite, that celebrates escalade

An autumn stroll in Geneva

Cute Danish design

Sent from my iPhone

Finally getting some summer sun

Let me fix you

First, a Friday interesting read on feelings here from Technology Review. As varied as my morning readings are, only a few articles are helping me wake up and delay me to work. Sometimes just nice design pictures or interiors pictures can leave me browsnig for hours.

What I don't say out loud...

-That it burdens me that you ask the same thing over and over again because I know I'm going to flip the lid again and can't deal with the aftermaths. I'm not ready to deal with this kind of situation again and I don't care enough about you, dear colleague, so quit it.
-I'm rehearsing silently my goodbye speech every night before drifting to sleep. There is no longer any happiness but only things to change and not under my control in the job.
-I'd rather stay home watch a series than noone knows about around me than go out drinking or hang out with my colleagues
-I wish I had enough money to do liposucion on my fat belly
-It takes me days to learn a piece on the piano, mainly because at first it is exciting, and as time goes I get annoyed at my lack of talent, and am tempted to give up midway.
-I love studying but it feels that is the only thing I can somehow do up to my own standards
-Speaking of standards, some days feel like a day out in illusions or just pure nightmare: pretty girl is dumb, annoying guy keeps jumping into conversations and keeps stressing me out, everyone loks after themselves and ignores the elephant in the room. So I pretend there are really hot guys waving at me by the windows...and smile....Someone in high school wrote in my souvenir book that my smile is the best. I am forever thankful for the tip, because it also helps me find that happy place in my head
-I realized I might be afraid to love again or to rely on someone because I am very good at relying on someone completely, to the risk of loosing myself. It'd be nice to trust someone again but so far there seems to be thousands of miles physical distance between us, and a millions of unknowns...so I can be frank because ou're so far away.
-I love marron suisse and have no discipline around it. I might ignore everything else when I eat it.
-I've gotten used tot ravel on my own. How is it going to be when I'll travel with others again in September? Will I be able to enjoy it?
-I dreamt of being together with you for a long time, gazing out of the window and just being comfortable together. Dancing with you reminded me of dancing sweetly with my grandfather. But you let me down at least twice and I can't be hurt anymore. I might be cold and snappy the next time we meet
-I need to prepare a song for your 10 year anniversary, and maybe a dance for fun.
-I need to save money for your 40year anniversary, because I really want to do it
-I can only see the future up to my last planned holiday....
-Thank you for making my heart race from time to time when yous mile, but you are too young and I don't want to stress out.
-I somehow get scared often in the dark for no reason, imagining scary things...is it a sign I have something or someone to protect? I miss going to martial arts training to get rid of the tension and train those reflexes...

In the meantime, let's act cool and detached and think about the imaginary scene outside the windows...