It's that time of the year when the last garage sales and yard sales of the season are popping up around town. Although there should be a lot of things to let go, it can be emotionally difficult to part with some memento.
An example is a bag of stuffed animals I have been keeping, not using.
Red bear prompts memories of overnight Greyhound bus, uncomfortable Greyhound bus station chairs, and a fun trip with friends who are now all over the world.
January is a cute bear, like its current owner. How can I give her away when I received so much love?
Another personal item, reminder of an era, college friends and places, that is difficult to overlook. What should I do?
Yes it is cute, and it melts my sorrows. It also reminds me of Canada and people close to my heart.
It is a bit cheeky but it has an understated quality to it, making me smile and cringe at the same time. Why have I been keeping it? Do I need another reminder of people I love?
Orange cat unfortunately does not remind me of anything special but he is funny (yes it is male because of the big head). And because it is not associated with any memory it is refreshingly relaxing to have...
Mini panda is so soft and tiny, and my favourite animal so it feels useless to part with it. The benefits of keeping it exceeds the disturbance of keeping it as it does not take much space.
Sleepy is my natural state until 10am. And I associate it with trips to Orlando Disney World and analogue pictures.
Ironically this is the first memory of lemur I have, from seeing lemurs in a zoo in Washington DC. It reminds me that I need to seek and appreciate what I have nearby before looking at things far away.
So when deciding to part with them all, I really feel the lyrics of this song:
I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am chained
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm cold and I am shamed and bound
And broken on the floor
And I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
I have 3 days to decide until the next yard sale...I am on an emotional roller-coaster !
In periods of high (or maybe low) level of hormones, when the times comes and everything seem so bothersome, and my sensitivity is maximum, I can't help but think about sad things. It's not love, it's not care, it's what you would call nostalgia. It's the remembrance of things or lives that have passed and that could not be lived again.
As my chest tighten and the knot is tied in my throat, I listen to these songs to let it go. Because the memory of you, and the things I still want to do with you can only be materialized in my tears.
"Memories live on" by 4Men
"...Memories live on
To tear to pieces all facets for the memories alive
Faded memories of living on memories of the trail
As the Hourglass shattered memories alive
Forgot your gonna be alive tomorrow, so that
Tomorrow is gonna be alive for the memories forgotten "
"Distance" by Ft Island
Now, over the crossing
Someone who was always besides me stands
First snow of the season falls on her back who is walking not knowing anything.
My heart hurts as I run.
Because it was as if I left you behind.
Do I still exist in you?
As a selfish person.
Because I wanna see you.
Just wanna see you.
I was holding your image in myself.
Changes into memory
Not to fade it away
"I love sad songs too."
Why wasn't I able to realize?
Over the crowd, I see your back
I was reaching out my hand unconsciously
Even if it's too late
Gotta tell you "I'm sorry"
Otherwise I can't move on
So I ran after you.
Just ran after you
As if I cut through the crowd
I called your name
called many times
Did it reach?
But straight
Just straight
You keep walking forward
Never looking back
As if you leave everything behind
As if it's for me
I cannot still find the answer
What's right and what's wrong Please reflect me into your eyes once more time.
Let me ask you.
So I wanna see you.
Just wanna see you.
I was holding your image in myself
It wasn't a dream
It was a reality
But I let your hand go
Snow keeps falling.
My feeling gets stronger
Express train passes
By the time this crossing opens
you will probably not be there
I have cleaned the house, sorted out the files, pictures and paperworks, scrubbed clean my body of dead cells, ate somehow healthy for the last 2 days to detox, and finally concluded another year of my existence.
I am thankful for all the love and support I have received so far. No matter what, I am what i am thanks to you.
With his Ichigo Kurosaki haircut, he introduced me to streaming anime, which encouraged me into my practicing my Japanese listening. There were jokes about "Fruits baskets", "Death Note", and many other surreal when we conversed. I was able to be a kid again and happily discuss about animation and their stories.
I always saw him smiling. I hope he was surrendered by his close friends and loved ones in his final moments and was able to unload his hurt, pains and troubles before going away.
I wish his young soul now rests in peace in a better place.
Thank you for Mr Sheepy. You will live on in our memories.
This is certainly not a title I thought I would write so soon (or so late). But around me, people live their complicated life and I get to see the spilling of renewed happiness, bitter betrayal, sheer helplessness of others. Couple A split up after at least 7 years together. Another couple B split up after miss X met up with her first love at a class reunion, thus having to juggle the new boyfriend, a new job and her two kids, wile mr Y is coming to grasp with the concept of single Dad. Meanwhile, couple C is happily ( I think) nursing their newly daughter. All of them I consider good friends.
I know I shouldn't worry too much about their lives, given that somehow it makes me feel I have no life of my own worrying about them. But I realized they all have a right to their own happiness too and probably struggling to regain that happy moment in time when everything seemed to go according to the plan.
Watching how hard it is to fight for yourself yet care for the kids, I now can understand the sacrifices every parent make for their child. I also learned how painful it is not to point the finger and put the blame on someone, to hold your ground against the general opinion. I have lost a black and white world and I am not happy about it at all because it is not clear where my trust can be given.
At this point though, I probably and finally can appreciate my parents' work and decisions. And no matter how hard I try, I feel my love for them will not be enough to express that appreciation.
So a blue moon is on the second full moon of the month..and it is this weekend...And it happens to be a leaving party going on...and sometimes getting back to basics or forgotten toys/tricks can make a day. Polaroid pictures were the best props this weekend: old-fashioned instant pictures...special because unique in their way and yet so ephemeral...but very suited for a time capsule. But they are happy times...small moments of lightness in a sea of worries.
Stumbled on some old tunes...and this is one of them, reminding me of the dances and friends. By Blacke Eyed peas, of course ! (It was this and Hey ya, by Outkast).
We try to take it slow But we're still losin control And we try to make it work But it still isn't the worst And I'm craaazzzy For tryin to be your laaadddy I think I'm goin crazy
Girl, me and you were just fine (you know) We wine and dine Did them things that couples do when in love (you know) Walks on the beach and stuff (you know) Things that lovers say and do I love you boo, I love you too I miss you a lot, I miss you even more That's why I flew you out When we was on tour But then something got out of hand You start yellin when I'm with my friends Even though I had legitimate reasons (bull shit) You know I have to make them evidence (bull shit) How could you trust our private lives girl That's why you don't believe my lies And quit this lecture
[Chorus]
Why does he know she gotta move so fast Love is progress if you could make it last Why is it that you just lose control Every time you agree on takin it slow So why does it got to be so damn tough Cuz fools in lust could never get enough of love Showin him the love that you be givin Changing up your livin For a lovin transistion Girl lip so much she tryin to get you to listen Few mad at each other has become our tradition You yell, I yell, everybody yells Got neighbors across the street sayin “Who the hell?!?” Who the hell? What the hell's going down? Too much of the bickering Kill it with the sound and
[Chorus]
Girl our love is dyin Why can't you stop tryin I never been a quitah But I do deserve betta Believe me I will do bad Let's forget the past And let's start this new plan Why? Cuz it's the same old routine And then next week I hear them scream Girl I know you're tired of the things they say You're damn right Cuz I heard them lame dame excuses just yesterday That was a different thing No it ain't That was a different thing No it ain't That was a different thing It was the same damn thing Same ass excuses Boy you're usless Whhoooaaaa
[Chorus]
Stop the talking baby Or I start walking baby Is that all there is
And so I am once again in the country of big cars, big roads and food store filled with terribly tempting food. The trip was pretty awful and tiring, what with the 2h queue for securiy at Gatwick and the tiniest leg room ever fo a flight across the Atlantic. But I survived it so far, and was glad to get through another security check that took about 30minutes in Philadelphia. I got a pretzel and a small (american size so it's only 1L) pink lemonade...mmmmmm
I am now rested and sleepy. but it's nice to have daylight up till 5ish, give that so far I have slept throgh most part of the morning.
I expect no fireworks today. Just a bit of food, loud music, drunk college people.
There are people who cry of joy and happiness, and those who blush and loose their tongue. And everyone should experience both at least once in their life. I did, after my belly filled up with Ikan Bumbu Bali and red wine, and with the warm confort and company of 2 great friends: Hobbes - aka Moo Moo- and Bambi. The light was right, the air got thick, and it was one of those moments that seem so bright in memory.
And so I go on facing the terrible grey fog around me, wrapped in that fuzzy warm feeling that will keep me cheered up for a long time again.
I have no words to convey my contentment. I do hope to spread the feeling around me.
First off, the link to the song posted before. I have no idea why the cat meows in the song, but it must be some inside joke between the songwriters:)
And now for Electra.... She chose it because it means The Truth, Light, and anything blinding. She was meant to take advantage of free tickets for a great party and ended up spendin the evening beating me at Ligretto, then Mikado (I only won at dominoes and dodo:)
She was the more depressed as she tore off her pyjama to make up a stylish t-shirt with open back...LOL. So anyone who would be kind to her, please get her new PJs, preferably ones that she can rip off.
Note that similar ripped off tees are available on Brick Lane at a price no lower than £15...I wont leave her with my PJs.
So this is early summer in London...temperatures not exceeding 16C, strong winds shifting heavy black clouds and destroying umbrellas, and intermittent rainstorms.
Far far away under a warmer climate was Daddy's birthday: Happy Birthday Dada!!! And because it always falls with Mother's day: Happy Mother's day Neny!
For me, except for being splashed with a big roadside puddle, there is nothing going on...I haven't even managed to catch on my sleep yet. Luckily this coming week is a light week, so I should regroup and rest.