Using this pensieve...

On wednesday morning I had a bagel to remember the taste of my college years.
I also got my student card that says 'undergraduate' on it...yiikes!
My resolve to do a good job at work is wavering.
Something I picked up in 'Seirei no Moribito' this week: "When one has money, life can be the same wherever she/he goes or lives. When you don't have money, you get the opportunity to adapt to different situations." I'll have to remeber that one in case I become too needy and greedy.
Am I uncomfortable with the thought of being happy?

Confidential

Have you ever wondered why you did not choose that exciting option? Or risked everything for a new experience? When you are afraid of what people may think, how important are those people to you? Why are you lacking confidence in yourself?

I admit we shared a bottle of sparkling wine between 3 people. But we also somehow felt safe enough to confront those questions and listen to each other. it is amazing how very good looking people are unsecure about their hair, looks, behaviour or what people may think. Maybe I am just naive to only care about very few friends and family memebers opinions. Some find me fragile, strong, balanced, cold hearted, but to be honest, we only do things for ourselves anyway: selfless acts are very rare (I am sure there is an episode of Friends where Phoebe makes that statement).

To be strong is to be able to protect our loved ones...thus for your own satisfaction and happiness.
To love or to give is to see that other person smile or enjoy the gift, which is again for oneself's benefit or relief.

So really, being committed to oneself seems the viable option.

S&M..which one are you?

I feel like a woman when...

-People around me start comparing their mobile phnoe features, discussing the operating systems, gadgets and accessories they have with it...totally a guy thing! When they lend it to me to see, I have a hard time understanding how to make a phone call with it...

-the cold autumn wind lifts up my skirt and my buttocks feels the breeze...

-I spot a nice pair of jeans on a nice pair of legs and I just want to see the front of that person walking in front of me..yiikes, there's a girl walking next to him...totally jealous!

-I get into the cosmetics aisles in a pharmacy or department store. Come to think of it, we women always think we can look or be better with tons of creams and medicines on...based on how the product container looks like.

-I am getting a head massage.

-I get people around me to do what I wanted them to do and I don't feel guilty about it because I was nice.

Autumn in London

That was Trafalgar Square at the end of the Beijing olympics...August went. September has rushed in with a torrent of rain and wind. The only bright fact is I have my ticket for an island much closer to the equator...let November come.

Before that, a lot to worry about:
-Japanese interview to enroll into classes
-Products exam for work
-Saving money for that November holiday (the Japan trip fund is also accepting donations!)
-Sending those outstanding posts...ahem...
-Stop biting nails..
-Loose 20 pounds (top of mission impossible list)
-Keep my friends...

The list is tiring me. I should just go back to sleep.

Falling in love...

The quiet moment that makes me look back and smile, is when I picture the moment I fall in love. It's usually a blurry and silent moment, because my memory erased all sounds and only remembers one beat of my heart, a single intake of air that stays frozen in time.

A crush has a scent of colonne or after-shave, and usually emotions come bursting into full fledged lust. My crushes are my source of light headedness and replaying of impossible ero-scenarios until I face reality and surprise myself day dreaming or being stupid.

That suspended moment in time when I fall for someone is the beginning of my worries. At that time I fully acknowledge my feelings for him: his pains become mine, his joys are my source of joy, etc...typical textbook cliche. Every casual time spent together becomes happiness.

I tend to forget about what I want during those happy times. I loose myself into making him happy that I sometimes erase myself. (Un?)Fortunately my tolerance is pretty low (and maybe selfishness is only dormant) so the smallest misconduct annoys me and my over-reaction is to pull back to re-assess what the relationship is giving me...Being a very idealistic person, I usually assume he reads minds. Being an unforgiving type, I have a hard time with all types of treachery.

Looking back could make me want to get back to those times, to fall in love again.

But first,

let me heal the wounds after falling...It's not all cotton buds, rose petals and feather we are falling into.

Some funny choreography in funny clothes

Gomen ne Juliet


Pinky


They all look 12..The moves look cool without the baggy lycra shining clothes...

After Olympics dramas

So now that I no longer can watch the Olympics at work (Tae kwon do, GRS, Synchronized swimming), I get to watch some weird Japanese series online...so I graduated from anime and dived into live actions....Sadly enough I've watched loads fo thema nd here are my 3 picks so far:

-Last Friends: about friendship and love
-Code Blue: Think ER with an helicopter (and yummy Yamapi)
-Puzzle: quite hilarious mystery series, especially the way they use English at the beginning.

Well some of them are still airing and season finales are approaching. In the meantime, I've totally lost track of what is airing in the West. I guess my head is kind of Asian oriented these days.

Thoughts of a tired mind

Discipline has never been my forte. I need that peer pressure to keep striving for my own goals:going to the gym at work, repeating out loud that I need to spend more time learning Japanese, repeating out loud that I have a test coming up next week...unfortunately I also tend to say out loud that I am hungry, tired and pissed off....

There are too many things that prevent me for keeping my discipline: minimal social life (though I ate out twice this week), various series online to watch (hmm to practice my Japanese reading and listening)...

Most importantly after that weekend in Savoie, I realize I tend to enjoy the company of various people, most often very different people with completely diverse interests and personalities. I haven't yet met that one person that has all those interesting characteristics, and I know I will never meet one. It's a tough realization that is starting to sink in that maybe I will have to settle for less than everything:)

It is also a given fact that at this point I am in no way inclined to sacrifice what I want to do for anyone else's sake..except maybe family members...

When deciding on where my career is going, it is even more vague than usual. There are a lot of things I do not want to do, and even more things I would like to try. There is just not enough time in this life to have it all, hence this other frustration griping my forehead.

Being greedy sure is painful! Is it easier to make decisions for someone you love? I imagine it is because you already have an idea of what is good or would make that someone happy...in my case, I dont know what will make me happy...

Wedding in Savoie

After 7 years....

Vocabulary

When in Singapore, mind the travellator...

Total Praise

For that time when you just want to sing from the top of your lungs and shiver....shiver..shiver

What's my sign again?

Because I'm out of inspiration and completely knackered from this week, here's another horoscope...mind you, I hate snakes myself.

SNAKES ARE:
Thoughtful, Wise, Shrewd, Intuitive, Guarded, Independent, Sometimes Lazy.

The Snake is the master seducer of the Chinese Zodiac. Always well-liked, Snakes are sociable yet introverted as well as intuitive and blessed with a keen aptitude for business. ('not sure about the well liked but it's true noone thingks I'm introverted')

Although Snakes may not consider money that important ('I think money is important!') , their luck and tendency to be a bit tight with their purse strings ensure they will have more money than they need ('Well, it's not like I'm stingy...and no, that last part is all false as well. I don;t seem to be able to save any money').

Snakes are far more mentally active than they are physically.(though i stopped computing squares in my sleep, I'm going to the gym now...)

They tend to analyze events before joining in. Overall Snakes have reserved dispositions and probing minds that make intellectual pursuits far more attractive to them than physical activity.('well...I have someone in mind. The problem is, it makes me dumb to have someone in mind')

At their core, Snakes are a little insecure, and can be very jealous and possessive, which can estrange both their friends and family. ('HA, totally!')

Despite their imperfections, Snakes can be alluring, munificent ('what does that word mean?')and loving. Snakes tend to trust their own intuition over the advice of others.

While sometimes they are seen as lazy, Snakes will work very hard when the need arises. They are not quitters and expect the same commitment from their partners in any venture.

Snakes could often be a little less arrogant, and develop a stronger sense of self.('well, not sure about the arrogance, since I'm often self effacing or spectator')


So there you have it, another 2min wasted in reading rubbish!

COME AGAIN....

Highlights and favourites of my trip to Indonesia

Of course, there are so many things I learned and enjoyed during those 2 weeks. But mainly I am glad I shared those emotions with these fantastic people.



These are the times worth living for.

There were of course a whole adventure for the palate, and I am happy my stomach held everything, thanks for all the good bacterias I have accumulated all my life eating junk food on the streets.


And island hopping is definetely an exciting activity, especially when I get to see so much sun days in a row! But there were more than just beaches in Bali. Temples, crafts, so many luxurious (ahem) plants, the smell of fresh air, sensual tastes,...



I felt I was both at home and lost in the infinite universe. Time didn't stop, time didn't exist. I woke up at peace, and went to sleep content. I tried to take some actions to help the ones around me, trying not to be too much of a spectator, but really, it was also very rewarding just to watch, and feel so much emotions. I am so grateful words, a smile and warm tears are not enough to convey how I feel.




Terima kasih

D'Masiv - Cinta Ini Membunuhku

Here is a soundtrack of my past vacation in Indonesia. I listened to it on the plane and it makes me so happy it makes me smile every morning when I am waiting for the trains on a cold windy platform in London.

I Heart Robot?

Well, what a shock, after watching Zettai Kareshi, I stumble on this news:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080615/ts_afp/lifestylenetherlandstechnologylovesexrobots_080615055138


Scary stuff...makes you think a bit about why and how we feel sometimes.

Iznogoud or Izitgoud?

Alas, I don't have that marsupilami comics around, but for sure I was torn between fear of poisononing and will to please again this morning. Like any present I try to offer, it is always a torture before getting the approval of the recipient. Imagine me baking a 'pudding' from 3 days old bread, milk, egggs and banana, and bringing it to work for my comrades...it was still warm when it got to the office, and I was in torture thinking it is disgusting and noone will eat it (since I didn't even have a chance to taste it).
This is a torture I am enduring at each gift or offering, because I usually choose it on impulse then regret or fear for its validity or value until the actual offering: is this too much? is this enough? would it be useful? will it end in the trash? is this suitable? etc...Of course there is the joy of being able to offer something, but it is only completelly fulfilled when the recipient(s) actually enjoys it...

Why the worry? I am not sure. Maybe because I just want everything to be perfect, although i never found it easy to choose the time to give the present. So I tend to slip it or throw it at them, casually, pretending I din't care,that it is not a big deal. But strangely enough, it is quite a big deal for me...vanity? or I care so much about what people think of me after all?

Ah well, they finished the cake. I will remember to collect and use old leftover baguettes from work next time.

This is a man's world

Here is a typical day at work. Obviously we all try to get to our desk on time before the hordes of clients hurriedly call us on our headset(some have wireless ones and can still sound professional in the toilets). And this is why I can never be a good fiction writer because I can nver come up with these gems:

N:-Hey I got my package!
S:-Yeah? let's see, how many did you get?
N:-Hmm, two. Chocolate and banana flavour (or was it vanilla and banana?)
U:-Wow, I can't believe you spent £100= for those. In my case I just reduce the amount I eat.
Me (unaware of things):-What? What did you get?
N:-Meal replacement powder
Me:-You mean like Slim F*ast? How much? Is that the same as powder juice like K? I hope you got more than 2 flavours because you're going to not like those flavours after 3 days! (imagine 5kg of each flavour)
N:-Well, this is supposed to be a meal on its own but I will still eat dinner and maybe fruits...
S:-But you must exercise as well, running especially. how long do you run?
N:-Well I'm not too good at running
Me (very proud):-yeah you only ran 10min while I ran 20min! Come on!
S:-Hum, did you know? Clara WhatsherName has a line of lingerie now.
Me:- i dont know her
S:-Oh yeah, that's ok
E:-Who? Oh..hehehehehe
Me:-Not sure what is the news here, unless she designs lingerie for guys?
S:- EH? What?
So I just get back to work because some client wants my advice on something, then tells me my voice is really pleasant, 3 times....before I pass him on to somebody else.

U:-So mine is 20%. Hey S let me measure yours.
S:-How is it calculated?
U:-you take your waist size and your weight and you can calculate it (with a measuring tape in his hands)
Me:-Is this your BMI you are talking about?
U:-Yep
S:-How come you dont take into account the height?
U:-I don't know
Me:-Ahhhh so really I have the perfect BMI for a 1m90 person
N:-HAHAHAH so are you 1m90
Me:-I sure feel like it!
P:-Hey do you have some food, sweets, anything?
K:-Hey I am lifting 140kg now (wait or was it 40kg? I really dont know and didn't pay attention to this one)


I don't even transcribe here the talks about shagging and pulling someone, or the description of certain women...


At this point I leave the area to take some fresh air...Because I just imagined working with a lot of women, and seriously it depressed me a bit.Can you imagine that times 100, with added make up tidbits and gossips?

These guys are awesome! They give me just enough for entertainment!! And sometimes they speak in codes, making me work hard trying to decode their references, as they often refer to guys stuff, like cars, cartoons, french movies, porn movies, etc....

Today I ended up the day swearing like a low life....I guess all these testosterone rub off on me a bit...I wonder why all these aggressivity in me...Tomorrow let us all wear a skirt.

Some trip across East London...

Thursday evening, after abandonning the 7+ guys to abr hop on their own (one Mai Tai did me in), I stumbled back home, hoping to crash on my bed soon. Alas, that World War 2 blitz bomb prevented me from getting home. They were suspending the service towards my home at 21h30, and I waited with loads of people for more than 30minutes to cacth a train home, only to see one arrive, packed with smelly tired workers, unwilling to concede any cm2.

So we waited another minute for the next one to arrive half empty. A trip that would take 45min took me 2hours. And Friday morning wasn't easy either as the damned bomb still prevented trains to go throught heir usual routes. So we all took a long detour, but ended up to work. I was debating whether to catch the bus from the house directly but decided for the train, which was not too packed luckily, but would go as slow as a snail in a rainforest...yes, so that you can admire everybody else's junkyard along the railways of course!
Now you would think they probably evacuated a whole town to detonate that thing safely. Unless they just like to piss travellers off by changing their train schedules, closing train stations, and making us walk in the rain. And this eveing at 1835 was the worst time to travel through the London public tranportation as we were all caught back in time and held in unknown locations (between train stations).

None of the lines I usually take were working. And I had to backtrack myself twice to catch the bus home. That fantastic bus was super packed and even from the deck i could see the hordes of people trying to fit in a red motorized tin can. The silver lining was that I finally got to see Easy London by bus, and not just the motorway by black cab.

I suppose there are prettier areas in town, but passing all though those rundown 'villas', the old cinemas converted in bingo halls, loads of chicken joints, and even a housing development having a poem about hemoglobin and chlorophyl to emphasize the marriage of human and nature...except the whole building was in red bricks and there were no trees or plant in sight....adios chlorophyl! Besides,given the amount of sun in this area of the planet, only the moss growing on top of bus stops can claim to use chlorophyl.

About 40min by bus and I was finally dropped not far away from home...not sure if the blitz bomb has been safely removed, but with the amount of water dropping from the skies, we can only hope it's been drowned otherwise.

I suppose I will stay happily at home, cleaning up glasses and planting undersea trees for the future.

How to let go?

By running till I'm out of breath
After eating a box of Phish Food ice cream on sale
Or by practicing that scale till my elbows and ears hurt
And I can still phantom play the piece in the train
By getting lost into idiomatic expressions in different languages
and wrapping my head around kanji symbols
Yet...
My longing remains.