Throwback Sunday...

This is such a nostalgic song and the cover is so powerfully sung with extreme catharsis yearn that it left me speehless. I just want to be that voice freeing myself from it all.

A new venture, a new experience

And so I finally put this idea into motion and testing this new media:
http://airayeetch.playtheradio.com/news.cfm

Right now I am fiddling with programming content, and not quite sure how it comes out. Enjoy the random music for now.

Throwback thursday: stuffed animals

It's that time of the year when the last garage sales and yard sales of the season are popping up around town. Although there should be a lot of things to let go, it can be emotionally difficult to part with some memento.

An example is a bag of stuffed animals I have been keeping, not using.

Red bear prompts memories of overnight Greyhound bus, uncomfortable Greyhound bus station chairs, and a fun trip with friends who are now all over the world.

January is a cute bear, like its current owner. How can I give her away when I received so much love?

Another personal item, reminder of an era, college friends and places, that is difficult to overlook. What should I do?

Yes it is cute, and it melts my sorrows. It also reminds me of Canada and people close to my heart.

It is a bit cheeky but it has an understated quality to it, making me smile and cringe at the same time. Why have I been keeping it? Do I need another reminder of people I love?

Orange cat unfortunately does not remind me of anything special but he is funny (yes it is male because of the big head). And because it is not associated with any memory it is refreshingly relaxing to have...

Mini panda is so soft and tiny, and my favourite animal so it feels useless to part with it. The benefits of keeping it exceeds the disturbance of keeping it as it does not take much space.

Sleepy is my natural state until 10am. And I associate it with trips to Orlando Disney World and analogue pictures.

Ironically this is the first memory of lemur I have, from seeing lemurs in a zoo in Washington DC. It reminds me that I need to seek and appreciate what I have nearby before looking at things far away.


So when deciding to part with them all, I really feel the lyrics of this song:


I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am chained
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm cold and I am shamed and bound
And broken on the floor
And I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn


I have 3 days to decide until the next yard sale...I am on an emotional roller-coaster !

A taste of...

Recently my peers and myself had to attend a team building session with human resources to try to mend things with our new boss. So all of us including our boss and his boss were subjected to an exercise that I found kind of interesting because weeks later I am still trying to make sense of it.

The premise was simple enough: we were on a balloon ride, which was unfortunately having an accident and was falling down to earth at a dangerous speed. And the supposedly only solution to slow down was to throw things overboard. On top of that we were to choose a character among a list (or off the list, which could have been more advantageous). And we had to argue to each others why oneself was needed instead of being thrown out.

So at the beginning we had  the folowing characters on board:
Roger Federer
Nelson Mandela
Marie Curie
Pere Noel (Father Christmas or Santa Claus)
Neil Armstrong
Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin
Thomas Edison

Each of us defended ourself as their character for a minute, basically emphasizing our own strength (physical strength, knowledge of air navigation, speed of movement, engineering skills) and the benefit our lives and  achievement would have on humanity if we survived.

Then each of us would vote (for someone other than ourself) for the character that we choose to stay in the balloon. It wasn't a big surprise in fact that the Count von Zeppelin had the most vote since he pioneered the rigid airship idea and claimed to know how to manage the balloon. Roger Federer and Thomas Edison had no vote and were thrown out.

However that was not the end of the exercise. A second round took place, and the remaining characters had to convince the others again why they were still needed alive. This time, some strategies and pleading came into the arguments: Von Zeppelin still knew his things and asked to be trusted, while claiming to be ready to sacrifice himself if needed. Mandela was promoting himself as a negotiator and having experience dealing with opposite characters. Curie didn't have much to say but insisted she was not too heavy. Pere Noel indicated that faith and hope was needed during these hard times. Neil Armstrong promoted his engineering skills. For the second round voting, Federer and Edison characters could also vote. And the Neil Armstrong character got the boot.

Personally, as I suspected at least a third round of voting would take place, I voted for the one I though would not get any vote, and who made a weaker argument than my character. I was tempted to make a weak argument myself but since I was first to present my argument, it would have become too memorable and too risky. So I had to reach out to the guts feelings.

The third round was even more desperate and the remaining characters resorted to pleading mostly. At some point it became difficult for me to listen to the others as I had to find my own arguments to present and convince. I tried to offer a miracle solution as I was last to present my argument.

The result of the last round turned out to be surprising: Mandela and Curie had a vote each, Von Zeppelin had a few votes, but the majority went for Pere Noel.

As the HR mediator indicated, it was a nice result before Christmas as it seems the majority still believed in Santa Claus!

For me though it was an exhilarating and somewhat revealing that the least realistic character among the bunch would get so many votes. I expected the character to be the first to be carried overboard.
-First round: "You know I can get to billions of chimneys and families in 24h every year, ending time and space dimensions.  I can get this job done."
-Second round:"in this time of panic and despair, you need to believe in miracles and what seems impossible. Put yourself together and don't loose hope. I have summoned my reindeers from the North Pole and they are on their way and will be here soon"
-Third round:" The reindeers are here. Some of us can leave the balloon without danger and go inside the carriage to be flown back to the ground. The rest of us can do the same after the first group is safe"

I picked the Pere Noel character from the list. My colleague said I sold the character very well and they could not have defended it like I did.  I enjoyed trying to grab the other's attention by appealing to their feelings. I know these arguments would have made more impact with me if I were in that situation, as logical and rational reasons were indeed reassuring, but not grabbing me by my gut feelings: engines, chemistry reaction, gravity...sure, but miracles and magic were better.

I still wonder what was the point of the exercise from HR's viewpoint. For me anyway I found out I was easily engrossed in character and totally invested emotionally.

After the exercise, one colleague confessed he just voted for me, not my character. Which made me think that many people would also vote for a candidate that not necessarily argues or present well or has a solution, but above all a candidate that they champion/support, or just a candidate that is not someone they do not like/not want to win.

So although I was happy somehow that my character was popular, it was not necessarily thanks to the arguments I presented, but my own persona. It made me doubt my own arguments. I wonder if elected candidate could experience those doubts.

Weeks later I realized I should have picked GOD from outside the list...

The marmite, that celebrates escalade

An autumn stroll in Geneva

Cute Danish design

Sent from my iPhone

Finally getting some summer sun

Let me fix you

First, a Friday interesting read on feelings here from Technology Review. As varied as my morning readings are, only a few articles are helping me wake up and delay me to work. Sometimes just nice design pictures or interiors pictures can leave me browsnig for hours.

What I don't say out loud...

-That it burdens me that you ask the same thing over and over again because I know I'm going to flip the lid again and can't deal with the aftermaths. I'm not ready to deal with this kind of situation again and I don't care enough about you, dear colleague, so quit it.
-I'm rehearsing silently my goodbye speech every night before drifting to sleep. There is no longer any happiness but only things to change and not under my control in the job.
-I'd rather stay home watch a series than noone knows about around me than go out drinking or hang out with my colleagues
-I wish I had enough money to do liposucion on my fat belly
-It takes me days to learn a piece on the piano, mainly because at first it is exciting, and as time goes I get annoyed at my lack of talent, and am tempted to give up midway.
-I love studying but it feels that is the only thing I can somehow do up to my own standards
-Speaking of standards, some days feel like a day out in illusions or just pure nightmare: pretty girl is dumb, annoying guy keeps jumping into conversations and keeps stressing me out, everyone loks after themselves and ignores the elephant in the room. So I pretend there are really hot guys waving at me by the windows...and smile....Someone in high school wrote in my souvenir book that my smile is the best. I am forever thankful for the tip, because it also helps me find that happy place in my head
-I realized I might be afraid to love again or to rely on someone because I am very good at relying on someone completely, to the risk of loosing myself. It'd be nice to trust someone again but so far there seems to be thousands of miles physical distance between us, and a millions of unknowns...so I can be frank because ou're so far away.
-I love marron suisse and have no discipline around it. I might ignore everything else when I eat it.
-I've gotten used tot ravel on my own. How is it going to be when I'll travel with others again in September? Will I be able to enjoy it?
-I dreamt of being together with you for a long time, gazing out of the window and just being comfortable together. Dancing with you reminded me of dancing sweetly with my grandfather. But you let me down at least twice and I can't be hurt anymore. I might be cold and snappy the next time we meet
-I need to prepare a song for your 10 year anniversary, and maybe a dance for fun.
-I need to save money for your 40year anniversary, because I really want to do it
-I can only see the future up to my last planned holiday....
-Thank you for making my heart race from time to time when yous mile, but you are too young and I don't want to stress out.
-I somehow get scared often in the dark for no reason, imagining scary things...is it a sign I have something or someone to protect? I miss going to martial arts training to get rid of the tension and train those reflexes...

In the meantime, let's act cool and detached and think about the imaginary scene outside the windows...

Heating it up at fete de la musique

Well, heating up all sorts of things today, as summer solstice brings the yearly fête de la musique, which I really enjoy every time. With a blazing sun, who needs to keep the curry or empanadas or prawns hot? Well, for food safety reasons, they had these fancy covers that hypnotized me...

For the kids, and children like adults, dipping into the fountains is a must today, in the most unlikely place such as in front of the Conservatoire and the Grand Theatre.

The star of the day is music, in all its form, from scattered piano available for anyone to play, to plastic percussion set, to opera. It gives me chills, emotions and dance moves. It is a great opportunity to visit venues and check a performance from usually expensive seats (front box or balcony seats at Grand Theatre)

Encounter with a beauty quark (idea) at CERN

They must have been mighty inspired to call a particle a beauty quark. Not sure why a bottom quark became known as beauty quark, I browsed the English language internet and stumbled on a cute site here. The term adds to the cute and cool factor of an overall electrical engineering intensive site.

Sunday was my first encounter with such temporary matter, at the open house of the CERN, for their 60th anniversary.  I received a ticket with my name about a week before my visit, with the GPS coordinate of the underground tunnel entrance(I appreciated the geek factor). I researched the public transportation access but it was futile. So I ended up taking the train to the airport, and taking a cab from the French side of the airport to a place merely across the field.

Stripped of a full 30 euros for cab fare, I separated from my handbag, got my ticket scanned, and got in line for the tunnel 8 entrance. Fully dressed in white and a maxi skirt, I added a bit of lacy frivolity to a group of overly mountain shoes and trousers-wearing visitors and guides. The cute yellow helmet and a big plastic badge was added to the apparel to visit the site.

After zooming down to 103m below ground with a green elevator (the only fire escape route), we got face to face with the DELPHI experiment doughnut shaped engine. Far from being industrial grey and dark, the inside of the tunnel was shining in bright basic Lego colours: yellow platforms , metallic blue rails, orange and red wires, gold plated mirrors, green motherboards and scaffolding. I could not remember why the tracker was in doughnut shape or why silicone tube was used.

We also stood at the lowest point of the tunnel, at 103 m below sea level, where apparently an opera was held as the tunnel's acoustic was so preciously fantastic. At that point, a 10 m diameter well was used to lower down the equipment.

Moving on past the data collection computer room, where a number of regular PC save the data generated by 40 000 000 collisions or so per second, we then stopped to stare at the recent and contemporary LHCb experiment. Our guide was working on this particular experiment and was particularly enthusiastic about it.

They set up to collect only a certain type of particle within a specific angle of the collision, and only one side (left side for example), with as much precision as possible. So instead of using resources for both sides of the collision, they focus their tracking resources in getting as much data as possible from one side, trying to capture as accurately as possible half the amount of particle of interest. The trackers are the flat silicon panels on rails. The blue box is a magnet that deflects the particle, so that by measuring the deflection angle they can determine the momentum of the particle, and identify the particle by its energy...

As the tour came to a close and the 11 of us boarded the green elevator again, our guide kindly explained in layman's term the origin of the search for antimatter. And in my memory, it imprinted as follows:
-the conservation law by Einstein equation E=MC2 can be seen as Energy=Mass, overlooking the celerity
-by Mass however,  at high lever of Energy, it is composed of matter and antimatter
-the characteristics of the antimatter are what motivates the whole research

In this dieting age, it is very true: spend a lot of energy to create muscle and loose mass (of antimatter?)!

Waiting for berries on the terrace

 

Gardening is fun when it grows on its own! Not bad for a lazy year...

a new beginning?

Reconnecting with this screen was difficult, but today is a new start. There are a lot to catch up with but I vow to look forward.

I strapped the pace counter as soon as I woke up, and paced around to dust and mop the flat (only 1200 steps). And then I walked proudly to the gym, 500m away, to greet the lads and turn in my gym card as my 6 month subscription expired!  After that it was a long walk across town to check out the music school open doors (too many kids, scared me into joining a voice class), and went shopping for groceries.

By the time I got the food, it was lunchtime and I was exhausted from all the walking (only 8000 steps). So I took the bus home, had a muffin and had a 15min power nap. Then it was time to get out again to get more groceries. Eventually on my way to the supermarket I achieved the required 10 000 steps, and felt the pressure lift.

Finally at home, more napping and organizing and planning for tomorrow's next 10 000 steps

The goal of maintaining that rhythm for 100 days looks pretty challenging. But there is peer pressure and a deadline to fit into summer clothes, so it must be done!

A sunny London weekend

When was the last time I got so much sun, perfect temperature, and wandering about in a loved city?

We actually met up as early as 9 o'Clock at Holborn, and walked to Camden markets, with a stop for a toilet break at University Hospital. Crowd mingling and wide eyed by the displays of fun merchandise, we almost forgot our stomach.

But we found our way through the dresses, t-shirts and coats, to sit in a Mexican cafe next to the international food stalls.

Then it was more eye shopping through the stable market, and also along the Regent's canal, which made me feel very poetic that day.

The day with J ended in Regents park, watching daisies and species of ducks, recharging the mood batteries and wishing each others well.

It was my best Saturday in a long long time...but it kept me going, waiting for the next goor day.

What I learned when I learned to sail

It was tough, it was a treat, it was a totally new experience, full of unexpected discoveries.

In March, one is expected to go up to the mountains to surf the white powder in the Alps to get sunshine and a tan. But ski boots or even the more flexible snowboard boots are not kind to my body shape, and I fail to feel the fun in going up and down a slope. So this year I signed up for a sailing course, from beginner to day skipper, with a RYA training centre based in south of Portugal. There are many more training centre but my main criteria were price, weather and a cabin on my own: Learn2Sail in Albufeira was a perfect choice for me.

Albufeira beach

 Two weeks with 3 other mates and a very calm and reassuring instructor, I learned of the different basic sheets ('there are no ropes on a boat'), knots, and multiple names on the sail, the weather and the tides. I surprisingly learned the usefulness of a protractor, magnetic compass, and charting. It was very daunting at first but the days shone with a bright sun and there were so much to learn that any fear of sea sickness and major gaffe slipped away by breakfast.

I found that my cabin on board with just a double bed next to the engine, and a small cupboard, was enough to hold my 10kg belongings, and rest my head (after a day out paying full attention to what was around me and what was being taught). I slept really well with a sense of accomplishment every evening. I learned to push my physical limits, by making tea in the gallery when the boat is sailing close hauled (close to the wind), and I had to smile all the time to prevent the nausea. I held the helm for so long in a slanted position that my sides were aching at night, but I loved to see the bow crash the waves as we sailed ahead.

It was a full new experience to be fully in charge and be accountable for everyone on board, on the day I was skipper of the day. That feeling of not having nobody to lean on or rely on for any decision was frightening, but also such as thrill. As the mark the instructor said, 'there is no democracy on a boat, only a dictator'. Being used to follow or await somebody's decision, it was a time when I had to plan ahead every minute to bring the boat and the crew to safety. The course from Portimao to Lagos and back felt like an obstacle course, with marine farms, fishermen spots, surface rocks and wrecks...But once it was done, I learned to respect sailors, and mental additions and subtractions every minute (magnetic course heading vs true heading for example). I learned to evaluate and trust the crew mates.

Position charting from Portimao to Lagos, and back

But all in all, I really enjoyed the navigation, and learned to trust in me again.

Catching up last year's trips

So I've started chronicling my trips from last year in South Korea. I managed to edit the video recently.

A turning point?

It's a time of the year where tourists visit, or people go on holiday. It's a time when I also want to go away, just for the sheer escape of breathing new air, be anonymous and get some distance to be able to reflect on my life choices. So it was with teary eyes that I watched this TED talk by Mr Pico Iyer. 
It really rung true to my current situation, and made me realize that:
1-I am not that special (aww too bad)
2-I am not alone and what I feel may be normal (what a relief!)

Sometimes I need a bit of reassuring when lost, demotivated, frustrated and not sure of the vision of my future.

Which bring me to why technology is taking over my life...(because watching a video is cheaper than a therapist?)

Sci-fi novels with depiction of cyborgs or electronic enhanced humans or even just behaviours are no longer far off in the future. How many times did I get out of the house without my earphones on, listening to music or podcast? How many minutes can I survive without checking my emails, social media, or news on my smartphone? And if I don't do it, I look at everyone around me and they are all checking their smartphones or tablets, or being immersed in the musical world fed by their earphones...

It's not that I cannot see my current location with new eyes. It's mainly because I don't want to see the other people around me, knowing I see them everyday, and not interested in getting in contact with them. If applied to other relationships (at work, with the family), what other blindfold am I using? The question is disturbing and kind of brain shattering...Am I really deceiving myself so blindly?

Before my schizophrenic symptoms gets recognized, I will need to catch up to write my travel journal from last year, in time to escape again to that glorified past...

Springtime garden shopping

unsurprising 4 pillars interpretation

 First, I found it fascinating to even get it. And I was suprised there were so many water. Two elements are obvious (fire, water) and I am not sure where earth, air and metal comes into play among the othr characters. Nevertheless, a free reading gave the following:

Personality and Character

An optimist with a caring attitude, you are born to be able to think clearly and have good intuition. You are a clever person and can work very hard at complicated and difficult jobs. As a charitable and sympathetic person you always feel pity for the sorrow and pains of others and are willing to help in any practical way. You are not only caring and loving but also generous with your time and are truly good-hearted. As an eccentric and slightly outrageous person you also have a temptation to lie, become lazy and play truant.
You are a gifted person who can accomplish a great deal if properly motivated. You are also good at know-how to manage, handle and use others through your diplomatic talent. You are fast in reacting to situations, catching opportunities and can see what people want from you.

Romance and Compatibilities

You control your emotion with cold and logical reason. Feelings or emotion do not take precedence as you are basically a thinker. You can only get involved in one affair at a time but can be flirtatious. The best way to tie you down as any aspiring mate or lover is to keep him/herself in mystery and not divulge their personal lives. You hate to be tied down, account for the time spent away and to be questioned on your movements by your mate or lover. Gemini, Libra and Sagittarius born in Ox/Rooster years can settle down with you.
You are open and explicitly sexual with men. You like to teach and train your men as lovers and so you often choose younger men as your lovers.

Profession

You are a person with a philosophical and imaginative mind and are curious about everything artistic and manual. Preferring to be part of the enterprise rather than its head, you like to manipulate others. You enjoy working alone at your own pace. Suitable jobs are social worker, lawyer, political activist, travel agent or counselor.
You will achieve much success in the financial field like mortgages, financial futures, stock broking and money market. You are capable in planning, building, developing and operating a business enterprise. In short, you hope to become a capitalist and you often associate with people in high places.