Everyday luxuries - remember remember the 5th of November

 Remember remember the 5th of November....

I've been thinking about addiction and how it seems to be everywhere. Of course some are very visible, and some are more tolerable than others. Having lived with an alcoholic, the pain and sadness of not being able to do anything to stop it is a constant reminder of how difficult it is to tackle. Not being able to pierce that bubble of denial and exhausted by efforts to reason the person, I removed myself and detached emotionally.

History seems to repeat and I turn inward to check whether I have my own denial bubble. When procrastinating and sleeping long hours and gazing or spacing out, I deny my realities and postpone that moment to take action and be productive. That is indeed my biggest luxury I indulge in. Putting it into words help define the pains and obstacles. 

Far from any social circle, my addiction to slow living and idleness feels apart from everyone else's time and space continuum. The clocks are ticking so regularly it does not feel like time but a lulling song. The little indoor forest soaks the autumn sun and sooth me into lazy comfort, and I am grateful I can still enjoy the luxury of peace and quiet despite my deep inner stress and anxiety for the future.

 As I take stock of what's around me, I find the courage to put another foot forward, doing what comforts me and building strength to confront my angst. My addiction is spending, accumulating, traveling and food, certainly. And writing helps. I hope my loved ones find that bolting realization to burst their denial bubble, to face their pains and discomforts, and find joys in the everyday luxuries around them.

What is left of year 2020?

 The year 2020 whizzed by, disturbing habits and beliefs. It brought me comfort in isolation, and time to explore new hobbies and thoughts processes. It brought health at the forefront of our mind and changed the priority of my relationship with others.

Some strange questions came up to mind.

-Why did I not consider working from home as viable? There is reduced stress from hearing colleagues with unnerving comments or discussions.

-Why is my voice or contribution not taken into account?

-What can I do truly on my own?

-What is love? I get attracted fairly easily but won't even lift a finger to fight for it.

-Why am I not ready to show my ugly self ?

-Does accepting other people's ugly self feel burdening and stressful?

-Why does it feel like I am treated as a push over?

Mental health is claimed to be a major victim of covid19. Let's see in 2021 if it can be turned around positively. I still enjoy myself and have so many things to try yet, even if strangely my mind has started to explore uncomfortable situations and whatifs. 

I cannot know its limit until I put it to the test after all.

Looking back

It has been more than a year since I sat down and wrote something. Maybe I was out of time, or maybe I did not want to look inside myself and face the faults I have been trying to ignore.

I held a handwritten journal during what I usually think as the lowest point of my life. I have emerged from it as the voice of social norm indicated there are worse off than myself.

But since I am confined to myself, before I look forward, I have to look back a bit to learn what I should avoid. With a bit of perspective, I may find what I should run to. A sense of urgency has taken over me, as I finally understand how time is affecting me and those around me.

When I have a good time, it sure is with friends and family. We learn from each other and we plan the future together. But I sense that we could do much more. I will explore what we enjoyed doing well and what was painfully necessary but helping us grow.

When I am about to explode from frustration, I just want everything around me to dissapear in pain. Why the frustration? I was told we had different values and priorities and I could not understand that. Indeed in the past 9months I believe I forced myself to let go of people's incompetence, insensitivity inefficiency and malpractice. After all, what matters is only how I rate myself and how I can iprove.

So while my weekend routine is extended to weekdays - though including working from the kitchen - I will finally learn to prioritize myself and feelings, and finding a new dream.