Note to selfL look up those paintings titled 'War' and 'Peace'
So last weekend with Zab, I finally bought my own rubber rain boots: brown with stylish pink flower petals. And I even wore them today as London weather poured its cool autumn sorrow onto the city. I did miss most of it as I slept though the whole day after my night shift. I woke up chilled by the lack of food in my belly (almost 24hr without solid food!).
An unsuccessful shopping trip on Monday was to look for Sun Tzu's Art of War in bookshops. They usually store it in the business and management aisles, but I couldn't find any. I guess I should have headed straight to the British Museum store. I also found my Janson & Janson History of Art book but it was so expensive (£54.90) I'll probably wait till January to buy it in the US online or something. I still have loads to read anyway.
There is a heaviness in the air. I feel like walking through fog and smoke (duh, it's London), and seeing different landscapes in the horizons through the clearings and sunny spots. And I am not sure how to get to any of them, because I don't really know what I am doing or what I want to do. It's quite frustrating and I fight the urge to close my eyes and let it pass. It's a balancing act I've never had to do before and it won't be the last one I face. Someon said to me once it looks so boring and common to be set for the postcard family in a house path. No matter how I long for adventure in the Sahara or in Asia, I know I still need that kind of comfort.
but then again I have been accumulating so much junk all my life. It is really a therapy but I need to find the source of it, not just to relieve the symptoms. Why do I keep buying trinkets and useless crap everywhere? Is it to remind me where I've been or to show off to my friends? Because most likely I would not give it away but keep it among my other junk. I rarely get it for charity and often buy because it's so pretty, colorful, strange, shiny. And in most cases, the items would have decreased value the following year, making them a very bad investment. Do I buy it because I can, so that it becomes a power trip? Or is it because I find the world ugly around me I need those trinkets to remind me of the beautiful countries, landscapes and people I encountered?
Greed. When I'm as spoiled and lucky as I am, it'll be the end of me. For those struggling to eat, sleep and drink properly, is it called differently?
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Zab in London
So I managed to trap my friend Zab into coming to visit me in London, and I dragged her through the big touristy sites, as well as my favourite resto..yeah!!! Did the Queen's walk and attended the show 'Les Miserables', got drunk everyday, ate some good food (malaysian, korean, indian, mexican)...Also slid on the giant slides in Tate Modern, and knicked my right elbow.
This weekend though I hope to finally spend some quality time with mr John Smith, and not work and rush from work....who knows..maybe Brighton or Richmond area could be nice for a change of air.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
10K runlondon (8/10/2006)
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....that is the only sound I muttered when ...my browser showed up with the 'your connection was reset' message. This was supposed to be my spontaneous deluge of words after my mind went blank for ...ages!
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and that what came out of my beatiful mouth and soul when crossing the finish line of that 10km runin Hyde Park.
I did finish in good time, considering I have never run 10km in my entire life. I was aiming to run it in 90 minutes so that it wouldn't be too shameful. I am so happy I finished in 80mintes and 44seconds!!! The bagels, the pizzas, the shawarmas (carbs carbs carbs!), the curry, the chocolates, the nibbles, the thai chilli crisps, and the ice creams got the best of me. Of course you can imagine I didn't run all the way. By 2km, I had to walk..hehehhe..then at 3km, my colleague just said to run towards the sign...and it worked..basically walk fast, then when your breath is back, run as fast as you can..then walk again...if we see the sign for the kilometer, we run toward it like bugs to the light. By the 5th kilometer, we were dead..but the prospect of some water gave me wings and I almost ran up the hill to sign, then sprinted to get some water...had to cool down my face as it was a nice weather yet not hot..I did get a tan.
I have never felt this before. By the 6th kilometers, I was just running and walking for the sake of not collapsing on the spot. By the 8th kilometer, I was exulted because it was finally going down..and in the other direction I could see the other runners from the next wave running up the hill (yeah, like I did 40mintues earlier). My legs were not obeying me anymore, but I could finally see the arch at Hyde Park corner..which meant the finish line was near..and that sign that says 9km pumped the adrenaline in me and just made me run...until I realized that finish line was still so far!
Finally, as the crowd on the sidelines cheered, I ran to the finish line.....The time is not brilliant, but it's much better than I expected. During training, I ran 5km in 40mintes, so it's satisfactory for me.
Next time though, I'll train properly.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and that what came out of my beatiful mouth and soul when crossing the finish line of that 10km runin Hyde Park.
I did finish in good time, considering I have never run 10km in my entire life. I was aiming to run it in 90 minutes so that it wouldn't be too shameful. I am so happy I finished in 80mintes and 44seconds!!! The bagels, the pizzas, the shawarmas (carbs carbs carbs!), the curry, the chocolates, the nibbles, the thai chilli crisps, and the ice creams got the best of me. Of course you can imagine I didn't run all the way. By 2km, I had to walk..hehehhe..then at 3km, my colleague just said to run towards the sign...and it worked..basically walk fast, then when your breath is back, run as fast as you can..then walk again...if we see the sign for the kilometer, we run toward it like bugs to the light. By the 5th kilometer, we were dead..but the prospect of some water gave me wings and I almost ran up the hill to sign, then sprinted to get some water...had to cool down my face as it was a nice weather yet not hot..I did get a tan.
I have never felt this before. By the 6th kilometers, I was just running and walking for the sake of not collapsing on the spot. By the 8th kilometer, I was exulted because it was finally going down..and in the other direction I could see the other runners from the next wave running up the hill (yeah, like I did 40mintues earlier). My legs were not obeying me anymore, but I could finally see the arch at Hyde Park corner..which meant the finish line was near..and that sign that says 9km pumped the adrenaline in me and just made me run...until I realized that finish line was still so far!
Finally, as the crowd on the sidelines cheered, I ran to the finish line.....The time is not brilliant, but it's much better than I expected. During training, I ran 5km in 40mintes, so it's satisfactory for me.
Next time though, I'll train properly.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
To be underestimated is...
- to be able to go about without effort and not being bothered by other people screaming after you to try harder...
- to be praised as soon as you do a little bit more than they expected
- knowing you can do more but just decided people around you do not deserve to see the best of you
- to never be blamed when you try something and you fail. You're disapointed at yourself but dont have to deal with everyone else being dissapointed at you.
- to be invisible when people discuss 'important' things. They think you are nothing and your presence or abscense doesn't really matter because you cannot possibly understand or be concerned about what they are dealing with. This is probably what most spies are counting on.
- to quiety suggest something and the others think it is their idea...and really, you wanted them to think that way anyway...most women can do this...if guys notice it, they call it manipulation:)
I am sure there are more but I am a bit tired and I don't want to give away some thousands year old secrets...
- to be praised as soon as you do a little bit more than they expected
- knowing you can do more but just decided people around you do not deserve to see the best of you
- to never be blamed when you try something and you fail. You're disapointed at yourself but dont have to deal with everyone else being dissapointed at you.
- to be invisible when people discuss 'important' things. They think you are nothing and your presence or abscense doesn't really matter because you cannot possibly understand or be concerned about what they are dealing with. This is probably what most spies are counting on.
- to quiety suggest something and the others think it is their idea...and really, you wanted them to think that way anyway...most women can do this...if guys notice it, they call it manipulation:)
I am sure there are more but I am a bit tired and I don't want to give away some thousands year old secrets...
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
She says, He says
'Did you have your hair cut?'
'No, they fell by themselves'
'Oh, like a week ago!'
Typical exchange there. Now what guys don't usually understand is that if the haircut is horrible the ladies won't mention it at all because the change would be very obvious and it would save them a lie. In general though, the guys have a trim and it looks nice and neat. So the compliment is usually free. I missed that TV show where they try to investigate if we buy clothes for ourselves or to impress others...duh! Same for a haircut...we do it because we find it nice or necessary, or both. And we just hope everybody we care about would see it the same way we do. At the very least we do not want to hear that it is ugly. Let's face it, every investment we do is aimed at boosting our ego, because we hope it will be a success...whether a car (penis extention), a mansion, a factory, bling bling, etc...And a show of appreciation is always so welcome. And this is where guys usually fail our expectations.
So sure, guys don't notice haircuts as much as women. I think they notice it but then disregard it completely and put it on the hairstyling instead. Mind you, I cannot remember people's eye colours sometimes unless I make a consious note of it for its own sake. Hmmm, imagine some guy staring at you because he tries to remeber your hair, just in case it changes the next day...creeepy! Still, it is justified to expect a compliment about one's haircut or hair colour when so much effort and money have been put into it. Also maybe because they sometimes don't really realize we have a head. There are advantages at being underestimated, but that is another blog entry.
'No, they fell by themselves'
'Oh, like a week ago!'
Typical exchange there. Now what guys don't usually understand is that if the haircut is horrible the ladies won't mention it at all because the change would be very obvious and it would save them a lie. In general though, the guys have a trim and it looks nice and neat. So the compliment is usually free. I missed that TV show where they try to investigate if we buy clothes for ourselves or to impress others...duh! Same for a haircut...we do it because we find it nice or necessary, or both. And we just hope everybody we care about would see it the same way we do. At the very least we do not want to hear that it is ugly. Let's face it, every investment we do is aimed at boosting our ego, because we hope it will be a success...whether a car (penis extention), a mansion, a factory, bling bling, etc...And a show of appreciation is always so welcome. And this is where guys usually fail our expectations.
So sure, guys don't notice haircuts as much as women. I think they notice it but then disregard it completely and put it on the hairstyling instead. Mind you, I cannot remember people's eye colours sometimes unless I make a consious note of it for its own sake. Hmmm, imagine some guy staring at you because he tries to remeber your hair, just in case it changes the next day...creeepy! Still, it is justified to expect a compliment about one's haircut or hair colour when so much effort and money have been put into it. Also maybe because they sometimes don't really realize we have a head. There are advantages at being underestimated, but that is another blog entry.
Addiction
According to Wikipedia, 'Addiction is a chronic disorder proposed to be precipitated by a combination of genetic, biological/pharmacological and social factors. Addiction is characterized by the repeated use of substances or behaviors despite clear evidence of morbidity secondary to such use.'
Having ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, I find I cannot find many things I can get addicted to. I am not sure I am addicted to the Internet for example. If I don't have it, and am somewhere beautiful and keeping busy, then I can forget about it, or at least stay away from my emails without going nuts...same thing for TV, or video games, even Cubis or Tetris. I get bored quite easily with everything so far. When first encountered, a situation or an activity or something is exciting because it is unusual. When I get used to it or if I think I to understand why or how it works, and if it does not change, then I am quite bored with it soon enough.
For instance I was so happy to be a volleyball referee (though it could be just a power trip), but then once the games got so uninteresting, it became boring. It was fun to play but after a while, with only 3 or 4 combinations of settings to work with, it also became routine. I can see the pattern already:
- discovery : the wow moment
- let live : enjoying it as it happens
- learning : figuring out the bits and parts
- assimilation : I dont even realize it's there anymore
- modification : trying to change it
If that last step fails, then it becomes routine. Most of my close friends being away from me, we are quite stuck in the discovery phase, or at most the learning phase. They usually have different specialties as well, so that I can listen for them for hours...Places I've lived in were places where I never got involved enough to learn the bits and parts of the way people lived or organized themselves to go about their daily worries and concerns. I was always in a transit mode. I suppose I still am, moving every 6 months and all that. I have never been interested in voting about anything, so detached I was from the issues to be dealt with.
My only true known addiction is biting my nails. Unlike TV or Internet, I cannot ignore them or forget about them. It has become as basic as breathing to bring my fingers to my mouth. Some therapist might have some complicated interpretations of it, say oral phases, etc...I can only resist for a few weeks at a time, with the help of gloves or a knitting kit. I can only knit scarves though so it becomes boring very quickly! Despite all the bitter nails polishes or even chilis smeared all over them, my nails still have that awesome taste! The chilis didn't work at all...it actually made them more delicious...LOL...I take my evil from them...
Having ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder, I find I cannot find many things I can get addicted to. I am not sure I am addicted to the Internet for example. If I don't have it, and am somewhere beautiful and keeping busy, then I can forget about it, or at least stay away from my emails without going nuts...same thing for TV, or video games, even Cubis or Tetris. I get bored quite easily with everything so far. When first encountered, a situation or an activity or something is exciting because it is unusual. When I get used to it or if I think I to understand why or how it works, and if it does not change, then I am quite bored with it soon enough.
For instance I was so happy to be a volleyball referee (though it could be just a power trip), but then once the games got so uninteresting, it became boring. It was fun to play but after a while, with only 3 or 4 combinations of settings to work with, it also became routine. I can see the pattern already:
- discovery : the wow moment
- let live : enjoying it as it happens
- learning : figuring out the bits and parts
- assimilation : I dont even realize it's there anymore
- modification : trying to change it
If that last step fails, then it becomes routine. Most of my close friends being away from me, we are quite stuck in the discovery phase, or at most the learning phase. They usually have different specialties as well, so that I can listen for them for hours...Places I've lived in were places where I never got involved enough to learn the bits and parts of the way people lived or organized themselves to go about their daily worries and concerns. I was always in a transit mode. I suppose I still am, moving every 6 months and all that. I have never been interested in voting about anything, so detached I was from the issues to be dealt with.
My only true known addiction is biting my nails. Unlike TV or Internet, I cannot ignore them or forget about them. It has become as basic as breathing to bring my fingers to my mouth. Some therapist might have some complicated interpretations of it, say oral phases, etc...I can only resist for a few weeks at a time, with the help of gloves or a knitting kit. I can only knit scarves though so it becomes boring very quickly! Despite all the bitter nails polishes or even chilis smeared all over them, my nails still have that awesome taste! The chilis didn't work at all...it actually made them more delicious...LOL...I take my evil from them...
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