Birthday menu

-Coquilles Saint-Jacques salad (mash, nut, tomato, scallops)
-cheese polenta, brocoli and salmon filet
-raspberry tart, chocolate moelleux, vanilla ice cream
A bottle of white Swiss wine (Chasselas)

Thanks for A. and S. for eating my cooking today.And for the gardening kit !!!

The moon shows up close to keep me company

I conclude my 32nd year in this life with a sad note. The full wolf moon will not brighten my day, and my thoughts are still with the mourning family. My gaze to the moon may meet yours, to comfort and look over you.

My superstitious self would like to think the elements are expressing their loss as well: tides swelling, wind blowing as the earth prepares to take in its bosom the burnt dust of someone dear.

The universe does its show to make me remember these times.

Mourning

Today, my grand mother died. I saw her last on Sunday, when I said goodbye. Although the news were expected soon, I had to retire to the restroom to cry. Somehow her image of that last Sunday was so sad I was relieved she passed away without staying too long in a vegetative state. The guilt will follow me from now on, ad so I cried.

Pangs of sadness still hit me unexpectedly as I mourn for a woman I could not understand for her simplicity. She had a faith I may never have, and her frail frame will stay in my mind as I hold her hand for the last time.

I cry for my Mom as she lost her Mommy. I cannot imagine the feeling and miss her dearly. I hope she is not too exhausted and can relieve her heart's sorrow.

This was a last day, of Nenibe, and a last day for me as well.

Sunset at 5pm

Ambushed from 100 sides/Hiding everywhere

Well, that's exactly how I feel coming back from my vacation. Ambushed by the temperature difference (from +26C to -2C), disoriented by the not so familiar city, known only for 4 months, unable to remember routine at work, and emotionally crippled by feelings of guilt, loss and lust.

I have had smoother retuns. This time though, full moon, hormones, fatigue and others built up to a sense of alienation unknown till then. I was not even sure of my address given to the cab driver when I drove back from the airport. At work, speaking on the phone was awkward and I felt like a new starter, fumbling for words, trying to make sense to myself.

Inside, my feelings are a jumble of survival instict to carry on no matter what and to coldly face the day, and a tendency to slouch and let go of all the things unsaid for almost 10 years. I should not be so considerate and selfishly guess or make up others's feelings. But a thing unsaid here and there ultimately dragged on too long and now there is this humoungous fear of being too late or having missed an opportunity.

When the Ripper shows up its shadow,...No, when you hear the sound of the hooves carrying him (well, he/she is riding a valiant horse in my imagination), feelings seem to rush about, sorting out people around me (and not so near physically). I now understand how awful and unwanted the word 'regret' is.

Because I do not want to feel regret, I need to sort out the words so that they make sense. But where to start?

*Hiding everywhere is the babelfish translation to 十面埋伏, which opened in the box office as...House of Flying Daggers

Nip tuck maybe?

To investigate my frequent dizziness and a small needlepin pain at the heart elvel, I've taken an afternoon off to see a physicial recommended by a colleague. Turned out though she was sick herself and was off today. So I had to use the yello pages and find one that could fit me in his/her schedule today. A bit of short notice but at the worst I would have gone to the hospital which is not too far. It was very difficult to find a general doctor because everyone seem to be of some specialty or other, or homeopathic.

I was saved from being among loads of diseases at the hospital by finding this general doctor not far from my house. However, I got the surprise of seeing his title on the door of his clinic: esthetic surgeon. AHEM...Well, at the very best I was going for liposucion I suppose, but I was afaraid for my bank accoutn as well.

In the waiting room, the 4th wall was a huge mirror. I was on my own, and reflected on the fact that indeed there seem to be lots of esthetic practicians around town, from hair dressers to surgeons. Lots of pamphlets about how to disclose you natural beauty were available, and unmarked beauty products were on display. A handsome man was saying goodbye to the doctor.

When doing his diagnose on me, he scolded me for not taking anti-malarial drugs before and during my trip to Senegal. he also scolded me for not wearing a bra (well, I was having a heartache, I was not going to wear that corsetry, dammit!!!). Anyway, there is nothing wrong with my brain apparently, I have a small virus infection and he prescribed a blood test (goutte epaisse) to test against the malaria bacteria...

A liposucion would have been nice. But I guess I have to go to the butcher for that. Which reminds me, in Senegal, the butcher shop is called 'la dibiterie'...it made me go on for a whole day..hehehehe

Happy new year 2010